Britney and FedEx vs. the Children

I know, I've now mentioned Kevin Federline TWICE in one month, for a total of twice ever. I won't do three.

That said, the latest divorce news is really stunning. Do people really act that way? Are we sure it's not all some kind of joke on the public?

What I'm talking about, of course, is the news about the sex tape.

The two of them made a sex tape and now he's threatenting to release it unless she's willing to make a deal.

He's apparently been offered 26 million pounds (about $50 million) but has offered it to Britney for only $30 million plus her two children.

First of all, isn't that illegal? Extortion? The guy should be in jail. I can't begin to describe how loathsome that is.

Secondly, the tape is FOUR HOURS long. That's, like, the extended version of The Return of the King, but with only one troll and (hopefully) no hobbits.

And thirdly, there's this quote:

"At the time the two of them were in the honeymoon stages of the relationship and couldn't keep their hands off each other. They did nothing all day but have sex - and play the odd game of chess. They were insatiable and they believed they would be together forever. Britney didn't think twice about making the video at the time. She mistakenly believed that their love would last. They adored filming each other. They lived their lives in front of the cameras - even making a short-lived reality TV show of their exploits. Sex was no different to them, it seems. Now this video could prove very costly to her. Millions of people will be prepared to pay to watch. Kevin has told Britney she should comply with his demands otherwise the whole world will see her having sex, which will be devastating. At the moment Kev is in talks with a company in Arizona about putting the four-hour sex vid online. If it all goes to plan he'll make [$50 million] from it."

What no one has mentioned about this (that I've read) is the line "They did nothing all day but have sex - and play the odd game of chess."

Chess? Those two?

I suppose the media (I'm looking at you, Perez Hilton and The Superficial -- how could you miss THAT nugget?!?) were just too caught up in the whole blackmailing-the-four-hour-sex-tape-for-children-and-cash thing to notice that there's no way on earth either of them would ever play chess.

In fact, I think that's a secret clue telling us the whole thing is a setup.

Chess.

Thanks to Erin, who was laughing so hard she could barely breathe, much less say the word "chess."