An Open Letter to the Youth of America

Before I begin, let me just point out that there are more stupid Americans in the world than stupid Canadians. About ten times as many. This is partly because they outnumber us about 10 to 1, so just do the math.

Now I know that Canadians love to make fun of the "dumb American" stereotype, but we're well aware that the majority of our neighbours to the south are wonderful, kind, articulate, intelligent individuals, even if their government representatives sometimes send, shall we say, mixed messages.

I'd also like to point out that the biggest moron/idiot I met while on my many world travels was, I still cringe to recall him, a Canadian. Steve.

Imagine a drunken idiot far from home acting like a pompous ass to everyone he meets, especially the residents of the country he's visiting. But in this case, he's not an American pretending to be a Canadian (man, there are a lot of those guys too...), he's actually a Canadian. And he's telling everyone. I haven't been able to laugh at "dumb American" jokes since.

I don't know why I had to say all that, but I've been watching the coverage of the American Presidential Campaign and I have a lot of issues to work through. Seriously? Some of you will actually vote for McCain and Palin? Well, if 52% of you think that angels actually physically walk among us (and look like Michael Landon) and 54% of you think Elvis is still alive, I guess anything can happen.

After all, we elected Stephen Harper. Eeewwww.

Okay, that said, I'd like to reprint this open letter to the youth of American, written by Bill in Portland, Maine.

Dear America's Youth,

Hey! Sup? Got a minute? Right---of course you don't. Well, we're the adults here so put the skateboard down, take the iPod plugs out of your ears, sit down and pay attention.

You may have noticed that the country you live in has turned into a bit of a mess lately. Not to put too fine a point on it, um, dudes and dudettes, but we're out of money, people are losing their homes and jobs and selling their bling to get by, we're mired in two endless wars, the planet's baking to a crisp, and nobody knows what to do. In short, we appear to be fucked. We can use that word...we're adults.

Anyway, this is just a heads-up that your mission in life will be to clean up our mess.

I know what you're saying. "Hey, we didn’t crap this shit. Why do we gotta clean it up?!" First, watch your language. Second, we planned it. Let us explain.

You see, in order to build character and resilience and valuable "life skills," we must tear you down and then build you up. We must break your spirit, make your stuff worthless, and show utter disregard for your future. But when the time is right, we'll turn over the reins to you so you can fix everything. It's called "tough love," and we're doing it because we care. Quit slouching.

Now, we're not quite done ruining the country yet. That will take a little more time. So keep on doing what you're doing for now, but be ready to take over when we give you the signal. The signal, by the way, will probably look like a bunch of grownups jumping off of bridges.

I know this must all seem terribly daunting and inconvenient, but it's for your own good. If you don’t figure out how to rebuild the most powerful country on earth when it's been reduced to rubble, you'll spend your lives all spoiled and complacent and happy. Trust us...you'll thank us later for giving you this amazing opportunity.

Peace. Word. Wii.

---The Adults Currently In Charge Of Things

P.S. We'll give you a head start with this free tip. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff: Zac Effron.

P.P.S. When China calls and demands their money back, you might be able to buy some time by offering them the Dakotas. Oh, and get a haircut.

And one more thing: Help Save the Youth of America, by Billy Bragg



Oh, and if you're really sick of vapid TV news, may I recommend the following news sites to cleanse your palate...

Daily Kos
Americablog
Shakesville
Crooks and Liars
Raw Story
Andrew Sullivan

Now you never have to throw things at Bill O'Reilly ever again.